Panic!
by Silentbreathing
Summary: Jasper has a panic disorder, which messes up even basic tasks in his life. Edward wants to show him love.How can he love someone he can't trust? Edward x Jasper Child abuse, violence.
1. Chapter 1

**((Re edited for grammar. Update realllly soon, I promise.))**

**JPOV**

Today was like any other day. I woke up with a dry mouth from the sleeping pills I took the night before. It was raining, and dark. I made my way to the fridge to find it strangely empty. Had it really been that long since I went shopping? I made myself a strong pot of coffee, and drank it like water. I could almost feel it coating my teeth. Making my way to the living room, I sat down in one of the pricey chairs I had found necessary to purchase.

The room looked like a catalogue. Essentially, it was. I spent 2 years of my life looking for the perfect matches to complete my living room set. The furniture matched a shade on the multi-colored rug, which also contained the same red as the vases and candles which sat on the table, and so on. I could get lost in listing off the items in the room..

I flinched as thunder crashed, and echoed through my empty one room apartment. I should have expected such a loud noise, because not even 10 seconds before I had seen the brilliant warning flash of lightning. The likeliness of lightning hitting my apartment were extremely slim, as there were other buildings that towered above my small building, but it didn't stop me from compulsively checking the weather channel to be sure the heavy red wasn't over my exact location.

I flicked on the television hoping the formal looking anchorman with too white of teeth would calm my fears. I was met with disappointment. That annoying loud beeping noise was blaring over his speech, and he urged all people in my area to get down in our basements in a calm voice. An annoying slow paced banner was at the bottom of the screen, telling of dangerous wind speeds, hail, and lightning. My heart began to race, and though I tried to mentally reason with myself, I found myself already grabbing my keys from my designated hook, and running out of my apartment.

When I reached the hall, I saw neighbors I never cared to see before running down the stairs. I turned to my door, and debated whether or not it was necessary to lock my door when a hand reached and grabbed me roughly. I tensed, whipping around to see the perpetrator being a pale man, with rust colored hair tossed about and wet. His green eyes looked at me with such urgency, I felt my heart skip a beat. Or maybe that's because he was touching me.

After a moment much to my relief, he released me.

"Whatever is in there can wait. You need to get to the basement," he said quickly. I took a step away from the door, and nodded. Another crashing of thunder made me flinch, and I clutched my hands together with so much force, they were turning white. The man led the way, and we jogged down four flights of stairs to the basement. It was full of the off assortment of people you can only find in cheap apartments, filthy scum with equally dirty lives.

They shut the doors, locking at least 40 people and 7 cats in the old basement, which thankfully smelt of laundry and not mold. One man had what I guessed was all of his electronics. Others held pictures, money jewelry. I frowned in thought. Why didn't I have anything worth saving? I moved away from everyone to a corner, and sat down. Drawing my knees to my chest, I focused on my breathing.

I didn't like people. They were overwhelming. The sounds of them crying, and praying, and cursing was making me anxious. I was sweating. I tried to breath in a deep breath, but only found warm air. Was there enough air in here for all of us? What if there wasn't? Would they panic? I felt a pressure on my chest. They said it was imagined, and that it was in my head, but the pressure felt so real..

The storm groaned, and the thunder was becoming more frequent. The basement shook, and the lights went off. I felt my panic set in, and my breathing started to become more ragged. The storm groaned, the sound of glass breaking made everyone gasp. I was already gasping, but for a different reason.

I tried to get myself through it. I tried to think about being in a field, a beautiful clearing in the middle of a deep woods without anyone around for miles. But reality that I was in a crowded room with a large amount of perspiring, anxious, breathing people that kept me from this thought of paradise. I felt a haze come over me, and I was curious if anyone would notice if I passed out. I felt a hand on my back, and I jumped. The hand held me down, but I struggled. They were going to hurt me, I was so sure of it. Stab me, gut me, make me scream. I struggled harder. I didn't want to die.

I felt lips next to my ear, and a weak cry escaped my lips.

"Relax, and breath," the voice commanded, and I tried to oblige, but my body wasn't listening. The man laid me flat on my back, and pulled out his cellphone. He clicked a button and shined the light on his face.

"We just met. I won't hurt you. Just relax," said the bronze haired boy. I felt my muscles untense in the slightest, but my breathing was still coming in deep gasps. I was sure everyone would be watching me, but sounds of objects hitting each other, and dragging could be heard from above. They were too worried about their own belongings. They didn't care. I didn't want to die with a bunch of strangers.

I felt the man try to unbutton my shirt, and I reacted, pushing his hands away, and curling in a ball. He frowned, listening to my breathing hitch again.

"My name is Edward. I am studying to be a doctor. Please relax," his velvet voice said, trying to soothe me. I uncurled, and wondered why I trusted him. How could I? All these people could hurt me. Kill me. Make it look like an accident. No one would ever know. Or the building could collapse. Everyone would fend for themselves. They'd leave me to die. I slammed my eyes closed, and felt my panic attack unleash itself in it's fullest. My throat was closing. I felt my consciousness slipping.

I felt cool fingers under my shirt, and the man settled his hand on the center of my chest. His lips were back at my ear.

"We're going to get thorough this. Just relax."

We're? I was the one choking on my own thoughts. He had nothing to lose. He didn't even have to save me. He'd probably stop trying if it got too hard. I didn't want to die. My heart rate and breathing increased, and he could feel it with his hand.

"You're safe. You are in no danger. I won't let anyone hurt you, and in five minutes you can go back to your apartment," he cooed gently. I closed my eyes, feeling my body shaking. He was going to leave me. He would leave me alone, and then these people would hurt me. Or just let me die in the corner.

"No one is going to touch you. Everything is going to be fine," he continued. I didn't know why, but his sweet nothings were relaxing. I was relaxing. I felt my breathing go down, and I became more aware of my surroundings.

The storm sounded farther away, but judging from everyone's looks of fear, it must have sounded like it had done damage. I looked back at Edward, shame hitting me. How embarrassing. He must have thought I was so weak. He knew my weakness. I expected him to say something insulting. I was surprised when he smiled.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his hand still not removed from my shirt. The contact was electrifying. I hadn't had physical contact for so long. Too long. His fingers were burning me.

I sat up, and he removed his hand from my shirt.

"Thank you," I replied quietly, my voice hoarse from not using it. I had made it a point to myself not to use my voice unless absolutely necessary. Words themselves were cheap, and vocal communication brought people closer together. I didn't want to be closer to anyone. People were dangerous. I tried to ignore the worried look he gave me, but it was difficult.

"TORNADO WARNING HAS BEEN CANCELED. LET'S GO ON UP," someone yelled. Everyone ran for the door. I stayed behind. Why risk physical injury when you can just wait a few minutes to decrease the chance? Do you know how many people pointlessly die in stampedes?

When the last of the people had made their way out, I climbed the stairs back up silently. My room was on the 4th floor, the highest in the old building. People were crying, screaming. Some were on their phones, in awe. When I had finally made my way to my room I looked at the menacing silver handle with a frown. I turned it.

When I walked in, I didn't see the perfectly matching living room set I had picked out. I saw none of the vases, or paintings I had hung to make it seem more inviting, though I intended to never invite anyone in. I saw a demolition site. There were holes in the wall where the windows were suppose to be, knocked in by tree branches that sat nicely on my shattered coffee table. Everything was soaked, and debris was everywhere. My television was shattered. I didn't even want to look in my bedroom. This was hell.

Slowly I backed out of the apartment, until my back was against the hall wall. I sank to the ground and stared at the mess inside. Everything was gone. Everything was destroyed. I had spent so much money, trying to piece together a picture perfect image on an apartment, and it was ruined.

"Holy shit."

I looked up to see Edward. He was looking in my destroyed apartment, with his jaw wide open. It wasn't one of those obnoxious expressions, but one of genuine awe.

"I'm so sorry," he began, and I threw my head against the wall in anger. He stopped, and crouched down next to me. I flinched away from him, but didn't move.

"Do you have anything important in there?" he asked. I didn't reply, I just looked straight ahead. He got up and walked into my apartment, without any consent or reply on my part. I opened my mouth in horror. I didn't want anyone in my apartment. It was my safe zone..WAS being the key word. Now it was just as unsafe as anywhere else.

He exited holding some damp clothes, and a few bottled of prescription medication. I got up and looked at him with complete confusion. He stopped in front of me and stared for a minute.

"This was all I found...I looked for a cell phone or something but this is all that was salvageable.." I just looked at him blankly.

"Can you at least tell me your name?" he asked softly.

"I'm Jasper. What are you doing with my stuff?" I said slowly. Was he robbing me? He smiled, and though it wasn't perfect it felt genuine.

"Well Jasper," he said, and my heart fluttered. "It's obvious that your apartment needs to get a makeover. And until then, I want you to stay with me."

I freaked out. I stepped back, giving him a hard glare and he looked at me with confusion. He was a stranger. He would take me to his apartment, rob me, and kill me.

"Why? What do you want?" I demanded. He wanted something, I could tell. I stepped back again, feeling betrayed. Why had he helped me in the basement if he planned on killing me? Maybe he just wanted to build up trust, so he could do it later.

"Jasper. I don't want anything. But I don't want to see you in a motel anyway. They're dirty. My apartment has 2 rooms. Just move in with me."

Something about this man was..tricky. He had a way of speaking to me. A way of relaxing me. I felt safe. Motels definitely were not safe. They could have video camera hidden in them. People could watch until I fell asleep them climb in the window..

At least here I could scream.

"...Okay." I replied.

* * *

Edwards apartment was one level below mine, and it was far more spacious. His living room was centered around a large piano, which demanded the attention of all the couches which circled around it. Every space not take up with a couch or piano was filled with a bookshelf. There was no television.

He led me to my room, which was again far more spacious than my previous room. The bed wasn't the lonely twin sized bed I had owned. It was a queen size bed, that felt like it never had been used. The bedsheets were red, and the room was painted a soft brown. It was relaxing. Even this room had touches of Edward, as the desk had medical information books sprawled across it. I sneaked a peak at the door to see a lock on it. I relaxed a bit.

I turned to Edward and bowed my head.

"I can't thank you enough. Everything is beautiful. Is there anything I can do to repay you?" I asked.

"Actually, yeah." he said, his voice quiet. I snapped my head up. It was too good to be true. He wanted something.  
"Just have a drink with me."

Drinks among acquaintances were common. He was being friendly. But I couldn't push back the possibility that he was trying to get me drunk to distract me. I looked at him, frowning.

I suppose he was taking just an equal risk in me letting me live in his home. I should be courteous. I ran a hand through my blond curls, and smiled at him.

"Sure. Just let me put some things away."

He left without another word, shutting the door behind him. I sighed. I felt so on edge. I could tell any little thing could send me into a panic attack. I grabbed my anti-anxiety medication, and put it in my pocket. I didn't want him to see me like that again. I folded some of the clothes, and put the others to the side to wash. Dammit. I was trying to delay the event of a casual drink. I was truly pathetic.

I forced myself out of the room, and walked to the living room, but he wasn't in there. In confusion, I walked back to my room, and saw his door open. I knocked gently anyway, and he called me in. I felt like a lamb being beckoned to a lion.

He was sitting on his bed. His room was simple, his bed was slightly bigger than mine. It seemed his apartment was untouched from the storm. He gave me a warm smile. It made my heart flutter, but this time for the better. I found myself wondering what he thought of me. I walked in slowly, guiltily looking for some sort of trap. I found none. I sat on the very edge of his bed, and looked at him. He smiled. I blushed.

"I think you had one bad day," he said, and I found myself smiling. He got up, and went to his side table. A bottle of whiskey and two glasses sat there, and he poured a generous amount in both. He handed me mine, and went back on the bed, beckoning me to come fully on the bed. I was surprised when I did. I took a big sip, and let the liquor burn my throat.

"You have panic attacks..?" He didn't really ask, more just stated. I nodded, and looked down. I felt ashamed. His hand went to my leg, and my head snapped up to meet his eyes. There wasn't pity... He looked at me with respect?

"They say it's one of the scariest things one can experience..I'm sorry." he said, and took a long sip of his drink. I didn't want him to apologise, but I couldn't tell him it wasn't a big deal. It was. I locked myself in my room day after day because of it. I couldn't drive because of it. Even going to work in my cubicle was difficult. I felt eyes get watery, and I turned away from him. The last thing I wanted was pity. I took a big swig of the whiskey and sighed. I felt him move, but I didn't turn to look. Suddenly I was in his embrace, and I tried to pull away for a minute, but those lips went to my ear again.

"I will never let anything hurt you Jasper." He whispered, and I felt a warmth fill my body. One could assume it was the whiskey, but I knew different. He could touch me, without me freaking out. He could calm me, when nothing else could. He cared, without even knowing my name. The warmth was everything I felt for him, and everything he felt for me.

Naturally, I blushed.

"Edward," I said softly. He released me slowly, and I turned to face him.  
"I..I feel safe around you. I don't know why. I barely know you." He smiled.

"Well, get to know me. Ask me anything." I wanted to laugh, but he was serious.

So I did.

I found out Edward was adopted by two lovely rich parents when he was a teenager. He is 21 years old. He was studying to become a doctor. He had 3 other siblings named Rosalie, Emmet, and Alice. His loved Italian food, and never had any pets. Edward had lived here for 2 years, and was going to college just up the street.

He offered a reply to any question I asked. The openness and half a bottle of whiskey led us both to laying back on the pillows, talking to each other lazily. When I was drunk, I only thought about the most important thing presented. It was relaxing. And though my panicky thoughts were still there, their volume was turned down, making them background noise.

"Jasper?"

"Yeah Edward?"

"Can I ask you a couple questions?"

I thought it was only fair, seeming as I had questioned him half to death. I nodded, taking in a deep relaxed breath.

"How old are you" I laughed.

"20, but my birthday is actually quite soon." he smiled back at me.

"When did you start having panic attacks?" Though the atmosphere was light, the question brought up dark memories.

"I've had them since I was 13 years old." I paused, and looked him straight in the eyes.  
"My father..He tried to kill me. They said it was a trigger.."

The light atmosphere was gone. Edward propped himself up on his elbows, and looked for a hint of sarcasm. He didn't find any.

"Is he in jail?" he asked, his voice laced with venom.

"No. He's dead." I closed my eyes, trying not to cry.  
"But he got the last laugh."

I don't know why I offered him such information. Maybe it was just to let him no I wasn't pathetic. I was just damaged goods.

* * *

Edward helped me to bed, and wished me a good night. After he left, I got up and locked the door. I felt guilty for not trusting him, but if I didn't do it I wouldn't sleep. The whiskey paved my way to sleep and I slept dreamlessly in the foreign bed. I woke up with a slight headache.

I made sure my long sleeves were straight, and no skin was showing before exiting my room and going to the kitchen. I was greeted with the smell of fresh coffee and pancakes. Edward turned to me, his beautiful green eyes showing how excited he was to see me awake.

"You didn't have to do all this." I started, but his light chuckle cut me off.

"I wanted to do all this. Besides. You're too thin." he frowned for a second, and examined me.  
"You need some meat on your bones to be healthy.

"I love food." I started, and he gave me a disbelieving glare.  
"It's just... Sometimes it's hard to go to the grocery store, with all those people in there." I gave a humorless laugh. "Never the less go out to eat. I haven't gone out to eat in years."

I saw the expression in his eyes change, and immediately regretted saying anything. I didn't want him to be sad. I liked him too much to drag him down with me.  
"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." he said, his smiling brightening, when I looked over at the very appetizing pancakes.  
"Let's eat."

We both ate a lot, laughing at each other between mouthfuls of food. Every time Edward smiled, it made my heart melt. I wasn't afraid of him. He made me feel human. I hadn't felt this happy in ages.

The landlord stopped by and lazily explained that the apartment would be 1 to 2 months. He then apologized profusely, as the city had warned him about the stupid tree that had knocked my apartment away. He told Edward his rent would be half, as long as I didn't sue. I accepted, for Edward's sake. I then borrowed Edward's house phone and called work, who somehow already knew about the situation. They gave me a generous amount of time off, as I was ahead with my work.

When I ended the phone call, I went to find Edward, but couldn't find him anywhere. I felt myself begin to sweat. I checked every room twice, and searched every square inch for a note. He wasn't there. He had left. Of course he left. No one want a fuck up like me. I felt my heart rate increase, and my breathing rise. I began to cry. I was all alone. The situation too good to be true.

I walked to my room and locked the door. My breathing was ragged. I felt like my throat was going to close. I grabbed one of the orange prescription pill bottle and popped two in my mouth. I paused and threw a couple more down my throat. I collapsed on my soft bed, letting my tears flow. He had left me. I didn't want to die alone. I dug my nails into my palm and arms in frustration. The pills casted me out of conciousness. I drifted to sleep.

------

"- do anything...Please Jasper. Just open the door. I'm begging you. "

Edward?

I dragged my body out of bed slowly, and unlocked the door. Immediatly his arms were around me, clutching me to his chest. I tensed, gasping as he held me. He pulled away slightly, but I pushed myself into him, enjoying the sensation of concern. Of love. He held me closer, running his hands on my back in soothing circles.

"Jasper." he said, voice full of emotion.

"Edward." My throat was dry.

He pulled away, looking into my eyes. I felt like he could read me. He looked down and gasped.

"Jasper you're covered in blood." he whispered. He grabbed my wrist and led me to the bathroom. I must have scratched deeper than I thought, because there was a lot of blood on me. I sat on the toliet, while he rummaged in the cabinet under the sink for the medical supplies. He brought out alcohol wipes, and turned to me.

"Tell me what happened." he demanded. I looked down in shame.

"You left. I thought you left me. It was stupid...I didn't find a note, so my head just drew conclusions." I looked up, and he turned away. Not knowing what to do I continued.

"I started having an attack. So I took some pills...too many probably. I fell asleep." I stopped as he took another step away.

"Edward. I-"

I stopped as his fist hit the plaster in the bathroom. I jumped, and pressed myself to the farthest wall. He looked over to me, and his eyes flooded with regret. He took a step forward, and I flinched.

"I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself," he explained slowly. "I should have left you a note. Or something. I'm an idiot."

I looked at Edward with forgiving eyes. Guilt didn't suit him. He took a step forward, and I moved towards him aswell. We met halfway, and he wrapped me in his arms.

"Jasper I was calling you outside your door for twenty minutes.. I was so scared." he admitted. I raised my eyebrow. Edward seemed so strong. I wouldn't think he'd be afraid of anything.

"I'm sorry."

We released each other, and I was left blushing. He cleaned up the blood and paused as he saw other scars on my arms. He looked at me with those damn green eyes, and I couldn't deny an explanation.

"They're not self inflicted. They're old." I stated simply. He knew I was talking about my father. He finished cleaning me up silently, and smiled at me.

"I have a surprise for you." he said, smiling.  
"Go change into something... Less bloody."

I obeyed without question. My desire was to make him happy, but I hated the unexpected. Surprises were just a fancy word for panic attack in waiting. I met him in his living room, and blushed when I looked at him. He was dressed in a white shirt, with black pants, and a formal tie. It suited him. I felt so insecure, I looked down at my feet while mumbling apologies. When I looked back up he was inches away from my face.

"Do you trust me?" he asked, his scent overwhelming me.

"I'm trying."

He grabbed my arm, and led me out of his apartment. I was scared. Outside was dangerous. We walked down the stairs together, and exited out of the apartment doors. The sun was setting. It looked pretty. But I knew it was decieving. He led me to his car, and hit the unlock key. I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Jasper? Are you okay?" I nodded, and climbed into the passanger seat.

I didn't tell him I had an immense fear of cars. I didn't tell him I thought they were metal deathtraps on wheels. I didn't tell him everytime I drove over a bride I knew it was going to collapse.

But somehow, he knew. He exited the car, walked to my side and opened the door.

"It's okay. Let's walk. It's not far." he said gently, and I exited the car in relief. I suppose walking was just as dangerous. But walking was at least natural. We began walking, taking the side streets.

"Where are we going?" He laughed at me.

"You'll see."

We walked in silence, but it was comfotable. After 5 minutes, he turned to me with a big smile on his face.

"Close your eyes." he requested. I froze. He could be leading me to a trap. But when I looked to his face I couldn't deny him. I grabbed his wrist and held tightly.

"I trust you. Don't hurt me." I whispered, and closed my eyes. I didn't care that my hand was probably painfully gripped on Edward's wrist. I started to tremble. My feet carried me forward, and we enetered some building. We walked for another minute before he sat me down in a chair. He pulled lose of my death grip, and walked away. I heard a chair drag, and he took his seat assumably in front of me.

"Open your eyes."

We were in a restaurant. A fancy restaurant. I looked around and saw no one else there. The curtains were drawn in front of the windows, and a gentle piano tune was all that could be heard. I turned to him, in complete awe. A server brought us both some type of pasta, and quickly scurried away. I tried a bite and melted. It was so perfect.

"How?"I breathed. He laughed, and leaned across the table.

"Jasper, I told you I had money. And what you told me earlier about not going out to eat.. that's not fair to you. I want to make you happy."

I felt my tears well up, and roll down my cheeks.

"Why me? There are so many normal people out there. So many pretty people. I'm fucked. I-"

He cut me off with his intense glare.

"You know why I picked you? Because I saw a beautiful man locking himself in his apartment day after day. A man who was completely alone. Whenever I'd walk past you, you'd look down, or flinch away. You suffered alone. And you deserve so much more. And I'm going to give it to you."

"I'm damaged goods. You can have anyone. You're perfect.. and I'm.. I'm."

"Perfect?" he growled. "I'm not perfect. I'm alone. I pushed everyone I loved away. My family. My siblings."

I could see the tears in his eyes. I looked down at the food, and at his beautiful face. I couldn't do this to him. I got up, and ran. I ran out the back door, and then ran farther. I stopped to catch my breath realizing I was lost. I broke into a sweat not related to the running. It was panic. I had to get back home. I turned to find the nearest street when I saw I had come face to face with a man. His long blond hair was dirty, and he looked at me with vicious eyes. My breathing increased, and my heart pounded through my chest. I tried to take a few steps away, but he caught my arm.

"Where are you going, darling?"

I was gasping for breath. I couldn't even scream. I was trapped. I was completely trapped.

**((Should I continue? Please review and tell me.))**


	2. Chapter 2

**((To clarify:**

**A trigger is basically something that can cause symptoms, or evoke something in a person. For example, Jasper's trigger that started his panic attacks was his father attempting to kill him. Jasper's current triggers are situations he feels are unsafe. Example include places with large amounts of other people, driving over bridges, situations that can cause death.**

**In this chapter Jasper becomes unattached from himself. This is basically the feeling of unreality, or a way to deal with things too traumatic for him to handle. So when Jasper is put in such traumatic situations, he will separate himself from reality. ))**

* * *

There were rocks digging into my two hundred dollar Calvin Klein formal shirt, one of the only shirts not completely ruined by the storm that had destroyed my life. Unfortunately, this was not the biggest thing on my mind, as I had an intensely muscular man pinning me to the ground.

He had pulled me from the street and into an alley, where he proceeded to slam me on the ground. His grip wasn't like Edwards soft caress. He was hurting me. My mind was racing, and heartbeat going dangerously high.

What did he want? Money? If he had, he would have taken it by now. No, he wasn't a normal criminal. He wanted to hurt me. He wanted to kill me. I was so sure of it. He wanted to watch me suffer. Or maybe I'd have a heart attack, and die in the grip of a stranger.

I struggled, letting out a pathetic cry. I didn't want to die. He gripped me tighter, and looked at me with curiosity. Looking at me with lust. I couldn't find a good breath, I was gasping. The air wouldn't enter my lungs.

"Please." I croaked, looking him in his eyes. He straddled me, sitting on my legs, and smiled.

"Relax baby. I just want to have some fun."

I tried to interpret the meaning of his words. He surely didn't mean we'd sit down for a nice game of Scrabble. Fun. He wanted -

I struggled harder, but his weight held me down. It was hopeless. I was hopeless. I was going to die in some back alley, in the middle of nowhere, and I couldn't even scream.

His hands went to my shirt and slowly began to unbutton the designer buttons. I ceased my struggles, too traumatized to move. He opened the shirt, revealing my bony scarred chest. He ran a hand down it, smiling.

"I want you to be mine. I'm going to make you mine."

And suddenly, I wasn't afraid anymore. Well, I was. But I wasn't in my head. I was watching it happen from the sidelines. My mind was detached from my body. I couldn't feel my body. I watched as the man bent down and kissed my neck. I looked so scared. My chest was rising and falling, and I was trembling.

This was it. I had went crazy. Or I had died. One or the other.

The mans dirty hands fiddled with my belt, and he pulled the pants down, to my knees. He reached under my boxers, and my body slammed it's eyes closed.

Would this be it? Was I stuck watching my body? Maybe this was hell.

I suppose it didn't matter. Even if I was in my body, I wouldn't be able to do anything. My body was weak. I suppose my mind was weak too. And this wasn't bad. It was peaceful. I didn't have to deal with the reality of the situation. I didn't have to deal with reality at all.

And suddenly, there was a screech. Focusing, I saw the man was laying on the ground, covering his jaw. I looked to my body, and saw Edward holding me in his arms. He had pulled my pants up, making me semi decent.

Edward.

He laid me back down on the ground, and grabbed the man by the throat. He slammed him against a wall, over and over again. The man was bleeding from his head, and nose.

"What's your name," he screamed, his voice laced with deadly venom.

"J-James."

"James, if I ever see you again, I will fucking kill you with my own hands," he growled, and threw James. James gave him a deadly stare, but ran, probably to tend to his injuries.

I looked to my body, and I was back in Edwards arms. He was crying, sobbing out apology after apology. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to make him feel better.

But to do that, I'd have to go back to reality. Reality hurt.

I didn't want the pain. I was sick of my body being so weak. I didn't want to be the freak who had a panic attack when he got in a car. I rather be nothing at all then be me.

But Edward.

Edward changed everything. He was cradling me to his chest. He kissed my hair gently, begging me to come back to him.

He leaned down, and pressed his lips to mine, and suddenly I was back in my body, looking at him.

My chest hurt, I was covered in sweat, and I had bruises forming all over me. Reality definitely brought pain. But I came back for him.

"Edward." I moaned, and I felt him cling to to his chest even harder.  
"Keep me safe."

He gave me a nod, and stood up with me in his arms. It was bridal style, and in another circumstance it would have been very flattering. I buried my head in his chest, and closed my eyes.

-------------------

I woke up with a greasy feeling. I felt dirty. Opening my eyes, I realized I wasn't in my room. I was in Edwards. I turned to see Edward's eyes on me, from a corner of the room. He looked exhausted, and hadn't changed clothes. I ran a hand through my hair, and sighed.

"You were asleep for 13 hours," he said, answering my unspoken question. I raised my eyebrows in surprise. He gave me a sad look, and slowly made his way to the bed. I sat up and looked at him with curiosity.

Was he moving so cautiously because of me?

"I'm sorry Jasper. I'm so sorry. He almost..He." Edward was crying. It hurt my heart.

I decided in that moment not to tell him about becoming disassociated with my body. I had caused him enough pain. I would deal with it on my own.

"Edward. It's okay. It was my fault. I ran off." He just looked at me like I was insane.

"I should have been watching you. I should have followed. You-" he stopped.

"I what? I need a baby sitter? I can't even go outside without having a mental breakdown? I ruined the nicest night anyone has ever planned for me?" He didn't respond, and just looked away. "I don't want to be a burden. Someone you have to watch."

"I want you to trust me." he breathed, not looking my way.

I stilled, and closed my eyes.. It should be easy, to trust someone. People earn trust, and Edward has never broken it. But trusting him for me was just... hard. But how long could I lock the door when I slept without him getting offended. How long would I have to question his motives every time we drank. How often would I have a panic attack if he left me alone. It wasn't fair to him.. but it wasn't fair to me either. If I left this apartment, it'd be back to locking myself in a one room apartment, hiding away from everything and everyone.

"I'm trying."

He turned to me, eyes still with tears, and smiled at me. I smiled back, and he moved toward me slowly. I felt my body stiffen, and cursed myself for it, but he continued forward. He wrapped his arms around me, and buried his face in my neck. I cuddled into him, ignoring the small surge of panic I felt. I just wanted to be happy. His lips found mine, and he kissed me with a gentle loving kiss that took my breath away. He held me for a few more moments before letting me go, and eyeing the dirty clothes I wore.

"You go shower, I'll change. Then I'll make some breakfast."

I nodded, feeling the filth cling to me skin. Edward had kissed me, and I was completely filthy. I blushed.

* * *

Edward's bathroom was the best furnished thing in the home. The decorations, multiple brands of soaps, and massive designed mirror almost paralleled my catalogue living room. I frowned, as I clicked the lock shut, and began removing my clothes. Yesterday had left it's marks. I was covered in bruises. Deep purple blotches covered my arms, and hips. It was repulsive. I quickly made my way to the shower, and turned the water as hot as it could go. I jumped in, and smelled all the soaps, deciding on the one that smelled the most like Edward's scent.

I exited the bathroom, and entered the kitchen to smell omelets and fresh coffee. I was starving. Edward greeted me with a smile, and I sat at the breakfast table. He served both of us, and I marveled at his cooking.

"Where did you learn to cook so well?" I asked between bites.

"My sister Rosalie loves to cook. She's basically the perfect housewife. She made me keep her company every time she cooked, so some of it stuck with me." I laugh, and he pretended to be offended.

"You can throw people against walls, and make a pot roast. You really are a dream guy." As soon as I said those words, I blushed a deep red. I looked to him, and his cheeks were a light pink too.  
"Edward, I-"

He cut me off with a 'shh' and got up to walk over to me. When he reached me, he offered me his hand, which I accepted, and he brought me close to him.  
"Jasper. I really care for you," he said in a husky tone. I melted into his arms, and bathed in the warmth he gave me. He rubbed my back soothingly, and l looked up to him only to be met with a kiss.

"Edward..I've never dated anyone before. I've never even kissed anyone before." I breathed. He gave me another chaste kiss, and smiled at me, with the damn smile.  
"I'm scared."

"Don't be scared. I love you," he said simply.

Love. Love usually refers to a deep, feeling of tenderly caring for another person. Love is the genuine feeling of strong affection and attachment. Edward loved me. Edward cared about me. He was attached to me, and didn't want me to feel alone. This was not like the my father talked about when he would hurt me. It wasn't the love my relatives did when they took me in. It was real.

"I love you too."

Edwards lips met mine, and a fire flared in me that I didn't know existed. His lips met mine with a strong urgency, his tongue slipping in my mouth with desire. He clutched me to him, and my stomach felt like it contained butterflies. He broke the kiss, and looked at me with lust in his eyes. With the same eyes James had. And before I knew what I was doing, and struggled to move away. He released me immediately, and I flew back a few feet before I could stop myself.

"Fuck," I yelled, grabbing my hair, and pulling. Hard. He was near me instantly, grabbing my wrists to prevent me from hurting myself. I felt myself start to cry.

"Jazz, it's okay. I understand. It just happened yesterday," he cooed, but I brushed him off.

"I just want to be normal. I just want to have one minute where I don't have to worry about it." I moaned, and I kicked the chair in anger. He watched me helplessly, and I ran my hands through my hair.

* * *

I tried to disappear in my room, but Edward told me I slept too much, and it made him nervous. He coaxed me out of the room, and made me follow him out of the apartment. We went down the stairs, and out the front door. He led me to the grass, and we laid down next to each other, holding hands. I clutched his harder than he did mine, but if it hurt he didn't say anything.

"What are you thinking right now?" he asked me.

I was tempted to lie, but my mouth told the truth.

"I'm worried about a car turning too sharply and hitting us. I'm worried a tree branch is still lose from the storm and will fall down and hit us. I'm worried someone will see us laying here, and rob us. I'm worried you're going to let go of my hand, and leave me...Also the sky is pretty."

He elbowed himself up, and looked at me in awe.  
"You're thinking about all of that right now?" I nodded, and he laid back down with a huff.

"Of all the stupid things you listed, me letting go of your hand topped the list." I laughed and he joined in. We stared content at each other for a minute before Edward mumbled something about laundry and we both got up. We walked in the door, hand in hand. He wasn't gonna let me go. We stopped at his mailbox, and he opened it and grabbed his and my mail. When we got back in the apartment, his eyebrows were furrowed in confusion, as he stared at a piece of mail. He opened it slowly, read it quickly, and looked up at me with fear.

"What? Are they expired coupons or something?" I joked, but he didn't smiled. I grabbed the letter, and read it.

_Edward,_

_You fucked up my face,  
Now I'm going to fuck up your life.  
Say hello to Jasper for me, though he'll see me soon._

_James._

I closed my eyes, knowing what was going to happen. I felt strong arms around me, but they weren't strong enough to keep me consciouses.


	3. Chapter 3

**((Apologies for lack of updates really are meaningless. I'll earn your respect back by bringing updates without promises. Short chapter, but better than nothing.**

**Please review so I know if anyone is even still interested in this story.))**

If there were an award for number of times passing out in a lifetime, I would win it. It was sickening how the heavy feeling of waking up after collapsing was becoming familiar, even manageable. I opened my eyes, and looked around the room. I was in my own room, alone. My heart fell realizing Edward wasn't here to comfort me. Sitting up slowly, I groaned at the headache that struck him. The apartment was quiet, completely silent.

Silence is an invention of man.

I opened the door slowly, walking to the kitchen. I partly expected Edward to be sitting there with coffee and a smile, only to be disappointed. Something had happened. A burglar came in and killed him, or possibly kidnapped him. Or was waiting for me to come out to kill me too… I entered the living room to find only Edward, sitting silently at the piano. Walking slowly, I tapped his shoulder softly. He didn't respond.

"Edward?" my voice croaked, lack of water making my words sound old.

He turned slowly to me, dark circles under his eyes and exhaustion apparent. Edward had never looked worse. I breathed in horror as I realized it was my fault. He grabbed me slowly by the arms, pulling me to his chest and surrounding me with his protective arms.

"Jasper. I'm so sorry. I don't want to lose you," he whispered, voice full of pain. I snuggled my face into his neck, trying to ignore how weak he sounded.

"I… My family and I were really close growing up. Carlisle and Esme raised me well, and loved me more than I deserved. But I knew I didn't deserve their love. My life was too perfect, so I pushed them away. I lost all my friends, and began isolating myself. The world just became dark for me, and I didn't see a point in anything. I was depressed, and I took it out on everyone else even if it was just with silence. I lost everyone because of my own self hatred. They tried calling, and coming over… They were so hurt… I meant to hurt myself but instead hurt everyone else. Jasper, when I saw you I knew I needed to help you. I knew you needed my help. I knew I had to stop you from making the same mistake of pushing everyone away. I-," he stopped when I yanked myself away from his grip with tears in my eyes.

"Jasper, what-," again, I cut him off.

"I needed your help? You helped me because I was pathetic?" my voice came out shaking, and I took steps away from him. A voice in my head was laughing_. I told you so._

"I liked my life. Maybe it wasn't to your fucking standards, but it worked for me. I liked being alone, I liked locking myself in my house, and I couldn't care less if I looked pathetic to everyone else. I didn't need a superman to come along because you thought I was pathetic."

"Jasper!" he yelled in shock, and rose to come near me. I began to shake, the slow crawl of panic coming up my spine. I didn't want him near me. He was going to grab me, hurt me, make me stay.

Edward had never loved me. He just wanted to save the day. My breathing started coming more frequently, as realization crashed down on me. He only fucking pitied me. And pity isn't love. Edward took a few more steps near me.

"Don't fucking come near me," I screamed, paranoia lacing my voice. He froze, his eyes wide with guilt.

"Maybe I have some fucking people issues. Maybe it's because my mom ran off and left me with my dad who liked to play the game of making me scream. Maybe it's because people are self interested. Maybe it's because I have no one to call me on the holidays. Maybe you should have never made me go the apartment basement, so the tree that destroyed me apartment could have just ended this fucking thing I call my life."

"Jasper please," he whispered, eyes full of tears. "I just wanted to help you." I ran my hand through my dirty hair, and screamed out in aggravation.

"I'm not a fucking doll you can sow back together Edward. I'm never going to get any better. You can try to show me a normal life, but at the end of the fucking day I'm still going to be that guy who can't ride in cars, or go to the grocery store, or be that guy you can have a life with. I'm never going to get better."

It took a minute for me to register that I was sobbing in shallow breaths. I ran to the room Edward had let me stay in, and grabbed the small amount of items that had been saved from my old life. He was in the doorway when I turned around, his own cheeks covered in tears. It hurt to see him like that.

" Edward, move," I said softly, and he obeyed, moving out of the way. I quickly exited then apartment building trying to ignore the sound of him collapsing to his knees and sobbing.

* * *

I walked quickly down the street for almost twenty minutes, avoiding eyes, to a small but elegant motel, that sat in front of a lake. I rented a room for a month, ignoring the burning curiosity in the inn keepers eyes. The room was small, but cozy. I quickly searched the room for any type of abnormality, and found none. It was one of those gross orange colors only found in old motel rooms, with shag carpet and a crappy smell. I sat on the mattress that was too firm, let regret soak in.

I knew what I had done was horrible, leaving Edward like that alone. I needed Edward more than anything, but to be with him would be limiting him. He was the only person would could touch me without me freaking out, and I knew he was special. But he deserved more than a life locked away from people. He deserved a family and a future, and I knew I couldn't give it to him. But in leaving him I also had left myself behind. I had abandoned hope for my own future.

So I sat in the dirty hotel room with the lights off and cried alone.

Hours later, I watched the shitty cable in my room, not entirely seeing the images that flashed on the screen. Edward had been the only positive in my life for years. The change had been exciting, and life changing. Everything now seemed dull and I felt number than I had ever felt.

But in the end, I had been right, hadn't I? If I would have been in my safe zone, James would never have been promising revenge. If I had been in my safe zone, I would have never had all these problems. Had I been following my own obsessive rules, I would have never fallen into the dangerous problem of love.

I walked to the mini fridge, and grabbed all the contents of the mini bar. My body yearned for food, but I denied it, instead opening the liquor and downing it quickly.

Bottle after bottle, the panicky thoughts in my head became background noise. I felt oddly euphoric, and questioned my sanity. By this time it was dark outside and my mood mirrored the dark. I got up from the bed, shoving the empty bottles on the floor. Making my way to the door, I had to steady myself more than once.

Somewhere in my head, warning bells were going off. Drunken mistakes often led to death, and I knew from reading statistics that reaction speed was definitely delayed. But these warning bells were not coming through, and I ignored them and I stumbled down the stairs and into the grass. The lake looked like a pool of black, and I wanted nothing more but to be in it. The desire was so overwhelming, I ran into it, letting my clothes become soaked with the weight, and feeling the heaviness of reality sink in.

I forgot I never learned how to swim.

I began to sink to the bottom, and my panic made its way through my alcohol induced shield, reminding me of the fact that I was going to die. I began to struggle, breathing in water while the heaviness held me down. And suddenly, I stopped. I let the water fill my lungs, and let my exhausted limbs relax. I closed my eyes, daring death to take me. I wanted to die.

Two strong arms pulled me from the water, and self preservation kicked in, making me gulp in the precious air. My vision was blurred, as my hero rubbed my chest while I coughed up water. He turned me around, laying me flat against his sculpted chest, his breaths calming my own breaths. I felt my breaths return to normal.

"You know, my dad was an alcoholic," I said, my words slurred. "It only fits for me to be too." He didn't respond verbally, but ran a hand through my hair softly, then down my neck. I melted to the touches, my drunken body desiring contact.

"He'd get drunk and beat me. Blame me for everything… I have scars everywhere. And I stayed with him thinking it'd pass. Thinking it was just a phase of hurt. But then he tried to kill me. I was so scared. I thought I was going to die… and it's a shame I didn't. Cause now the only time I can't freak out is when I'm like him…" my drunken rambles again were met with silence, and my eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Edward…why aren't you talking to me?" I asked in confusion. His hand when to my pocket and pulled out the hotel key. I tried to turn around, but his arm held me to his chest.

"Edward. Isn't that the name of your lover?" a voice said calmly, and I was instantly sobered. Panic flooded me as I tried to struggle, and a hand went over my mouth before I could scream. This was not Edward. It was not his velvet voice or gentle touches. I began to cry, my thin frame no match for his heavy build.

"Or is it your ex lover? You guys get in a tiff? Well either way he did fuck up my face, and it seems like you don't have any plans. Let's go plan some fun in your hotel room," James said, and I struggled against his touch. He uncovered my mouth, knowing my gasping for air prevented me from screaming. His lips kissed mine, and ran down my shaking body.

Throwing my soaking wet body over his shoulder, he brought me to my hotel room, while I tried to cling to the small bit of consciousness I had left.

**(( I understand I suck at grammar, but I don't have or understand how to get a beta. My work comes from a story in my head, and to have someone to articulate that with me would be amazing. But I don't, so don't kill me over my mistakes. I love you xxoo))**


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